The Significance of Showing Affection

Morteza Afradian

 According to our Divinely-guided teachers - The Ahlul-Bait (As), we should show affection and express our love through words and actions to the one(s) whom we love; our family members, relatives, friends, sisters in faith and brothers in faith, so these good feelings will grow and become durable. Naturally, human beings desire to be loved by the others and so the expression of love towards them will create love in their hearts, thus making that fruitful feeling a mutual one and so adding to the warmth and pleasantness of the environment.

Now, let's turn to very beneficial facts; Allah our Gracious Creator has, in certain verses of His last Book - The Holy Qur’an expressed His Love for His servants who are patient, pious, just, benevolent and charitable. Also in the Holy Qur’an, reference has been made to certain servants (of Allah) whom Allah loves and who love Allah. (Chapter 5 verse 54). Therefore, it is best for us to try our best to win Allah’s love through following His commands and teachings. This way, we will also win the love of our beloved Prophet (PBUH) and his purified Household who, though are apparently no longer among us, are for sure, seeing us and are no doubt informed about our actions and who will pray to Allah for His increased blessings upon us if we prove our love for them through being good and true followers of them.  Regarding the desirable effects and indeed necessity of showing affection towards those whom we love, there are certain Ahadith from the Infallible, including:  “Any of you who loves his friend or a brother-in-faith should let him know of that.”  Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)

Also, this Divine guideline includes the family relations, even more emphatically. In numerous Ahadith, we have been taught to show love and respect towards all our relatives, most particularly towards our parents, spouse and children. There is a Hadith from Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in which a very delicate emotional factor has been cited: “A man's saying ‘I love you’ to his wife never leaves her heart.”  Have you ever heard a more meaningful and impressive guideline for men in their relations towards their wives?  Likewise showing affection and care towards one's children has been recommended by our Divinely-guided leaders repeatedly. In a Hadith, we are told that "Each kiss one gives to her/his child draws Allah's Mercy." These teachings all make us realize the fact that Allah, Himself Most Compassionate and Most Merciful, loves His servants to express compassion and mercy towards each other, particularly towards their family members who certainly need to receive love and affection for their spiritual and emotional happiness.

Unfortunately, some parents, due to lack of proper knowledge or due to being too preoccupied with other matters neglect the fact that their children need to be shown love and attention by their parents much more than they need rich foods, bicycles, brand new computers and the like. Recently a psychologist, interviewed about the causes behind the misconduct of some teenagers and juvenile delinquency, referred to this very negligence on the part of some parents and as an example cited the letter written by a young girl before her committing suicide. In that letter, the unfortunate girl had complained about her mother's behaviour thus:" My mother did a lot for me to become a successful student. But she never knew that it was her love which I needed most and infact she was not a friend to me. She did not know how much I yearned for her affection and thus deprived me of the same. My need for pure love remained unsatisfied and I felt thirsty for that. This feeling pushed me towards corruption, which I inwardly hated. I turned to the boy who kept showing love for me because I wanted to satisfy my thirst for love, while in fact he was a deceitful fox and left me alone after getting what he wanted with me....."  

According to the psychologist,  had that young girl been in a family with a warm and friendly enough atmosphere, she wouldn't have suffered such a pitiable fate, since, as she has herself admitted, she hated corrupt conduct and was inwardly desirous of the healthy reviving love of her mother.

 The above story is just one case among possibly many cases of the misfortunes, deviations and sufferings caused by lack of understanding, cold behaviour, and indifference towards the most significant aspects of human spirit, i.e. the desire and indeed the need to feel loved, wanted, and cared for. If a child, a teenager or even an adult sees that in the family, there is no one who wants to listen to her/him and to care about her/his emotions, a feeling of loneliness, despair and helplessness will naturally overcome her/him forcing her/him to look for love and sympathy elsewhere. The disastrous consequences of such conditions are, as we see, many, including abnormal, harmful behaviour of the youngsters and also separation of spouses.  

As parents, and spouses unfortunately, some of us often forget about the emotional needs of our children and other family members and just focus on their material wants, while by so doing, we are depriving them of what they need most and indeed deserve most. These and indeed all other psychological facts have been explained for us by Allah's Messenger (PBUH) and by his Infallible successors centuries ago, but regretfully we seldom try to learn and follow such life-giving instructions.

 In authentic accounts, we read about the astonishingly praiseworthy and kind behaviour of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) towards not only his own children, but towards the children of the others, his playing with the children in the alleys of Medina and his refusal to stop the playing (to attend his own work) without gaining the permission of the children as well as his affectionate behaviour towards his wives in Islamic history are just some examples of showing love and care towards children and women. It is indeed a pity that some of us are neglectful of such illuminating models, and are instead attracted by materialism.

Also as wives, some of us may forget about very significant duties of making ourselves look as good as possible when our husband is at home. We sometimes wear our best when going to a wedding ceremony or even to visit friends, but wear worst at home and in the presence of our husband, thus making him imagine that he, as a husband is not important to us.

 In fact, a woman might love her husband very much and yet unintentionally behave in such a way as to make him think that he is not loved by his wife. In this regard, too, we have numerous Divine teachings, including the Ahadith in which women have been ordered to do their best to look good and desirable for their husbands( inside the home environment)  and to try to be sexually and also emotionally satisfying to their husbands. According to Divine teaching, these are among the duties of wives towards their husbands. Now let's cite a hadith from Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) for more illumination: “The greater one's faith, the more he/she shows affection for his/her spouse.”